crater
songs i wrote in my early 20s
For years I have had the goal to record music and post it online. Something always stops me: the fact that I cannot produce, my old computer’s lack of storage, my disdain for my singing voice. (My singing voice is maybe the last, unresolved stop of my self-acceptance journey). I don’t know why I want things to be perfect; it’s not like I am trying to build a career as a musician or write the song of the summer. At the end of the day, I like to write lyrics, and I want to share them with my friends :)
Earlier this summer my friend Kai helped me record demos for a handful of songs I wrote over the past few years. I posted them on soundcloud, for anyone to listen to here. They’re also embedded below if you don’t want to exit substack. If for some reason you would like to hold them in your pocket forever, you can purchase the album on bandcamp here. Special thanks to Ally for making the photo and text look nice <3
lyrics:
01 everything’s green (2023)
everything is green to me
there's no way that we lose
everything is new to me, as two to me
i spent so long alone
thought i was a scientist
thought i was a realist
but it's ended in an unexpected armistice
everything is dazzling
i feel like dorothy
with glasses creating so much splendor to be seen
but they're not rose colored
because everything's green
02 cake song (2022)
i want a hand around my waist
as i cut the cake
because everybody came to my party
seems like everybody's got somebody
i want a hand around my waist
as i cut the cake
that i made because you like the flavor
wanna give you a life that you could savor
your house on a hill, dog in the yard
i want to meet your parents over dinner
is that so much to ask?
i want to be somebody's lady
want all the perks and all the labels
but there's nobody like you in the room
there's nobody like you in the room
i'll make room for you
i'll make room for you
03 bad luck (2024)
i wish that i was 2 inches taller
i'd spend less time on my toes to keep my mouth above water
god knows i'm a sore loser
so he made me an unlucky lover
every time i sit down to eat, it's never enough
choking on my small plate with my black hole hungry stomach
gut and my heart fighting for the wheel
i hate that i'm no longer the youngest
too late to be the best, i'll settle for restless
good things come to the patient
but are there good things up for the taking?
it's bad luck to want so much
it's bad luck to want to win
it's bad luck to want so much
it's rotten odds if you're trying to win
every time i sit down to eat, it's never enough
chocking on my small plate with my black hole hungry stomach
i eat my heart out every time
04 ticket in your hand (2024)
can we go back
back to the part
where it fit
was it just the start
can we go back to mondays and saturday mornings in the park?
were you leaving the whole time
ticket in your hand and the other holding mine
what am I to do with all the good times
were you true at the start if it ended with a lie
can we go back
to the time when we talked
i said some things wrong
but i don't know what
you used to work nights
we used to be nice to each other
in another life
were you leaving the whole time
ticket in your hand and the other holding mine
what am i to do with all the good times
were you true at the start if it ended with a lie
what about the trip we took to my parents'
the stone you gave me last may
the photo i kept at my bedside
the one where our hair looks the same
the stars that were stuck on your ceiling
i'll never sleep there again
were you leaving the whole time
ticket in your hand and the other holding mine
what am i to do with all the good times
were you true at the start if it ended with a lie
05 toothache ii (2023)
as long as i don't say, it you might want me too
i know that you won't say it
so what can i do
i dove headfirst into a sweet cherry pie
now there's red on my hands
and sugar in my eyes
do i inspire caution
are you thinking things through?
if i can't stop the wanting i'll stop wanting you
now my breath's in my hands
and i'm breaking all my rules
i've got a toothache for you
my candy apple heart breaks into pieces
as long as i don't say it you might want me too
if i can’t stop the wanting, then what can i do?
okay thanks bye!!